7 keys to making a couple work

Finding love is hard, keeping it is even harder.

Aug 07, 2024

It happened on the shore, where the land and sea mix.

I walked beside her, our steps sinking into the fine sand, and the waves gently breaking at our feet erasing the footprints we left behind.

We talked about plans, dreams we pursue, our doubts and rough edges in the relationship that we need to iron out. It was more than just talking; in the back and forth of the waves on the shore we had created a moment of real connection between two people.

These are the moments that give meaning to a relationship.

That evening, as I was journaling about the afternoon we spent at the beach, I remembered a book about love we read a long time ago, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by psychologist John Gottman.

We didn't think a book could help us in our relationship, but it did.

Were we the only couple that could benefit from something like this? I'd say not.

Here are the 7 keys I learned to make a relationship work:

1. Delve into your partner's world

Happy couples know each other perfectly.

These couples have what the book called a “map of love,” meaning they know everything about their partner in detail. They know their passions, interests, goals, what they have, what they care about, and much more. Without this map, you can’t really get to know someone, and if you don’t know someone on that level, how can you really love that person?

If you don’t orient yourself with your map, ask yourself questions like this:

Who are their best friends?
What is their philosophy of life?
What worries them the most?
What goals do they have now?

We get lost in work, rushing, responsibilities… and in the end we stop paying attention to what our partner needs, but for a relationship to prosper, this point is essential and we can’t forget it.

Ask your partner, listen to them carefully, and learn from them.

2. Nourish your partner with affection and admiration

Let your partner know that you admire and love them – it seems obvious, but it isn’t.

All couples who rush into a breakup have one thing in common: they start to see the history of their relationship in a negative way. The conclusion then is obvious: it’s not worth it for us to continue together. This can be avoided by emphasizing the good things in the relationship.

To show your admiration, make a list of 3 or more positive qualities of your partner and write down the times he or she has demonstrated that quality below. For example:

He cares about me:
- When I come home late, he cooks for me.
- Yesterday he helped me solve a problem I had without me asking him to.
- He calls me when I’m out to ask how I’m doing.

It’s touching when you exchange lists and see how you perceive each other.

3. Pay attention and time to your partner

You know when you're talking to someone and they say “yes, yes” but you know they're not listening? Or worse, they say in a curt tone: “don't bother me, I can't.”

These are negative interactions.

These types of events undermine trust in the other person, making them feel like they're not there when they need them. Simple things like playing sports together, going out on the weekend or helping out when they ask for it create a feeling of mutual support and are positive interactions.

1 negative interaction weighs like 5 positive ones (Benson, 2024).

Couples who have less than 5 positive interactions for 1 negative one have a high risk of ending up breaking up. You need to provide at least 5 times more good things than bad and they can be small details, you don't need to go on a cruise to have a positive interaction.

Details count a lot.

4. Let your partner influence you

Happy couples work as a team.

Gottman found that men are more likely to ignore their partner's perspective when facing problems together, but whoever it is, it's vital to take a negotiating stance. For example, if you want to spend your savings on a new car and your partner wants to spend that money on a vacation, take a deep breath, listen to each other's arguments, and come to an agreement.

Many end up yelling and angry because they don't know how to negotiate with their partner.

5. Solve solvable problems

There are 2 types of problems: solvable and perpetual.

Solvable:

These are minor problems and are due to the circumstances at the time.

For example: John and Sophia decide that John will take out the trash every night, but lately, John has been distracted by obligations and forgets. In the end, the house smells awful in the morning and Sophia gets angry with John.

This is a solvable problem.

He has simply been absent-minded, it is not an internal problem in the relationship.

Put a reminder in the kitchen and problem solved.

5 steps to solve a solvable problem:

Soften: When you raise the problem, stay calm and do not criticize.
Accept attempts at repair: Accept the attempts your partner has made to remedy the problem and suggest other measures to solve it.
Ease the argument: If the argument gets out of hand, go for a rest, a walk or whatever you need and then resume the conversation another day.
Commitment: Both of you must work to remedy it, help your partner.
Be tolerant of each other's faults: If there are incidents from the past that come up in new arguments, leave them for another time or consider them behind and apologize when necessary. There are couples who live in an eternal circle of reproaches for things that happened years ago.

Perpetual:

For example: Sophia wants to spend less time with Oliver and more time with her friends, but Oliver says that makes him feel alone. However, Sophia says that she needs time away from him. Oliver seems needy and she feels overwhelmed.

This is a perpetual problem.

There is a fundamental difference in their personalities and in what they need from each other to feel connected. The difference is unlikely to change, so they must be willing to adapt if they want their relationship to thrive.

A relationship is a team, both must cooperate and give in order to succeed together.

6. Overcome stagnation

Couples who do not overcome perpetual problems become stagnant.

For example: Sophia wants to have kids, John doesn't. Sophia wants to go to church with John, but John is an atheist. These things are unlikely to work out, so find a solution that's acceptable to both parties and agree to compromise a little to reach a middle ground.

When you reach an agreement, thank each other for being empathetic.

7. Create a shared meaning

This is why you should continue to progress together.

Create connecting habits: These are habits that unite you on a daily basis. Going out for a run together, having a romantic dinner on Fridays, going camping on Saturdays, etc. All couples have their own and that creates a strong long-term bond.
Having a common goal: It is immensely satisfying to know that your partner is striving to achieve the same thing as you. There are endless possibilities and new ones will emerge as time goes by: traveling the world, collaborating with an NGO, preparing to run a marathon...

All couples have disagreements, but not all manage to negotiate solutions.

All couples have perpetual problems, but not all overcome them.

My partner and I have negative interactions, but we have many more positive ones. We have many things in common, but also perpetual problems. The difference is that we have learned to live with these differences and they no longer weigh us down, we know how to overcome our differences and take advantage of the good in each one.

✍️ Your turn: Which principle resonates most with you in your current relationship? What perpetual issues do you have?
💭 Quote of the day: “Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.” – Brené Brown, Daring Greatly.

Take care of yourself and your partner, see you soon 👋.

References 📚

Benson, K. (2024, 26 junio). The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/
Gottman, J., PhD, & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony.