The Ben Franklin Effect: The Secret to Winning Someone's Friendship
Why asking for a favor will change your mindset
🏷️ Categories: Creativity, Decision making and biases.
Today we're going to talk about one of those paradoxes of human psychology:
The Ben Franklin Effect
It's the phenomenon where, when someone does you a favor, they’re more likely to like you. I know—it sounds counterintuitive. You’d think we gain affection by helping others. But no. What’s curious is that if you ask someone to help you—and they do—they're the one who starts to feel positively toward you.
And the most fascinating part: this was discovered by Benjamin Franklin in the 18th century.
Yes, the key diplomat in the founding of the United States—who spent decades negotiating with both allies and adversaries—witnessed this effect firsthand.
If you work with people, if you want to improve your charisma, or if you simply struggle to connect with others, you'll see why this effect is so powerful—and how to activate it in your life without coming across as manipulative or fake.
Let’s talk about what Ben Franklin discovered and how to apply it...
Portrait of Benjamin Franklin.
1. What is the Ben Franklin Effect?
When someone does you a favor, they start to enjoy helping you.
That is, doing something for you makes them feel better about you. Not the other way around.
It was Ben Franklin who first documented this effect. In his autobiography, he recounts how, during his time as a legislator in the Pennsylvania Assembly, he had to deal with a particularly hostile political rival. A man who not only disagreed with him, but barely even spoke to him.
But Franklin came up with an idea...
Instead of confronting him or trying to win him over with flattery, Franklin did something unexpected. He knew that this rival owned a rare and valuable book—one that Franklin wanted to read. So he wrote him a polite note, asking if he might borrow the book for a few days.
The rival, surprised but flattered, agreed and sent him the book.
Franklin returned it a week later, along with a note of sincere thanks.
And then something surprising happened: the next time they saw each other, the man spoke to him cordially for the first time. From that moment on, his attitude changed completely. They eventually formed a strong friendship.
Franklin reflected on this and summed it up this way:
“He that has once done you a kindness will be more ready to do you another than he whom you yourself have obliged.”
Being helped affects the helper more than the helped. That’s the key.
2. Cognitive Dissonance
The explanation for why this happens is called cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort we feel when our actions don’t align with our beliefs or attitudes. That is, when we behave in ways that contradict what we say or think.
This is what happened to Franklin’s rival.
You think you dislike someone.
But then, one day, you decide to do them a favor.
The internal question arises: “Why am I helping someone I don’t like?”
That inconsistency creates dissonance. And since you can’t undo the favor, your mind tries to resolve the tension by reinterpreting the situation.
“Well, maybe I don’t dislike them that much after all.”
The amazing part is that this small internal shift can actually change how you feel about the person. It reinforces your self-image—if you see yourself as generous or kind, you’ll adjust your emotions to make your actions fit that narrative.
So you reshape your feelings to keep your story coherent.
As absurd as it sounds, we do this all the time—often without even noticing.
3. How to Apply the Ben Franklin Effect in Your Life
Now for the practical part. How can you use this effect without being manipulative?
3.1 Ask for a Small Favor
The key is in the details. The smaller and easier the favor, the better it works—because the lower the barrier, the more likely someone is to help. That’s why it worked for Franklin. All the rival had to do was lend a book.
“Could you help me choose between these two photos?”
“Do you have a pencil I could borrow for a second?”
“Could you hand me that item over there I can’t reach?”
The favor should never feel like a burden.
3.2 Make Sure the Person Can Actually Help
The other person must have the ability or control to fulfill your request.
The emotional impact of the effect is greater when the person has enough time, energy, or skill to easily help (Niiya, 2015).
It’s not just that the favor should be small—you need to be sure they can succeed at it.
3.3 Let Them Feel It Was Their Choice
This is crucial.
The effect only works if the person feels they’re helping voluntarily, not because they’re obligated. This is where language is key—Franklin was extremely polite in his book request.
Use language that invites, not commands:
Use: “Would you mind...?”
Use: “Do you think you could...?”
Avoid: “I need you to do this.”
These open-ended phrases give the other person the freedom to say “no.”
3.4 Make the Request Yourself
This is non-negotiable.
In a psychological study, it was found that the effect only works when you make the request directly. When a third party asks on your behalf, the effect disappears (Jecker & Landy, 1969). For example, if someone else says: “Could you hand that item he can’t reach?”—it doesn’t work.
The connection only happens with direct contact.
So in this case, you need to ask for the book yourself.
4. What If I’m Afraid to Ask for Help?
It’s normal.
We all worry that asking for favors will make us seem weak, dependent, or annoying. But studies show that the person being asked usually doesn’t see it that way. In fact, they tend to appreciate the person who asked—they feel valued and see their actions as meaningful.
Paradoxically, asking for help makes you more liked and relatable.
Now you know: The Ben Franklin Effect is powerful and very useful. You can activate it with small favors—and it even works to break the ice with strangers and improve how others perceive you. So next time you want to connect with someone, don’t try to impress them.
Ask for a favor.
They might not just help you.
They might actually start liking who you are.
✍️ Your turn: If one act of kindness can influence us so much, think about what other small actions you could take to connect more genuinely with others. A compliment, a thank you, really listening to someone...
💭 Quote of the day: “He immediately sent me the book, and I returned it after a week with another note, expressing my gratitude. When we met again, he spoke to me (something he had never done before) and did so with great courtesy; from then on, he was always willing to serve me on all occasions, so that we became great friends, and our friendship lasted until his death.” — Benjamin Franklin
See you next time, big hug! 👋
𝙄 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙙𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨, 𝙞𝙣𝙖𝙙𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙩𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙡𝙮, 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙘𝙝𝙞𝙙𝙧𝙚𝙣, 𝙩𝙤 𝙢𝙖𝙠𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙢 𝙛𝙚𝙚𝙡 𝙫𝙖𝙡𝙪𝙖𝙗𝙡𝙚, 𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙞𝙩 𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙝𝙖𝙨 𝙘𝙧𝙤𝙨𝙨𝙚𝙙 𝙢𝙮𝙢𝙞𝙣𝙙, 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙞𝙩 𝙬𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙠 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙖𝙣 𝙖𝙙𝙪𝙡𝙩! 𝘽𝙪𝙩 𝙞𝙩 𝙢𝙖𝙠𝙚𝙨 𝙨𝙚𝙣𝙨𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙞𝙩 𝙬𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙! 𝙄 𝙬𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙠𝙚𝙚𝙥 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙞𝙣 𝙢𝙮 "𝙩𝙤𝙤𝙡 𝙗𝙤𝙭!" 𝙏𝙝𝙖𝙣𝙠𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙚𝙮𝙚-𝙤𝙥𝙚𝙣𝙚𝙧!
I think another aspect of this is that if Person A asks Person B for help or for a favor. It means that Person A holds Person B in high esteem, at least concerning the matter at hand. Thus, there is flaterry implied.