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🏷️ Categories: Motivation, Life lessons.
No matter how you choose to live your life.
Whether you start a project on your own or work for someone else; whether you have a big family or live alone in peace; whether you move to a new city every few years or put down roots in the town where you were born; whether you wake up early to go for a run or prefer staying up late reading or watching movies.
There will always be someone who finds something to criticize.
Learning to live with that reality is part of the journey. In fact, we often think of criticism as something that comes from outside, but that is not always the case. Before talking about haters, outside judgment, and uncomfortable comments, it helps to look in another direction.
Inward.
The harshest critic is not outside
The harshest criticism lives inside our own heads.
We tend to remember external critics, those people we come across who leave us with nothing good. However, the worst criticism sometimes comes from ourselves, from our doubts, insecurities, and relentless self-demand. This has happened even to some of the greatest minds, like Franz Kafka.
That is perhaps the biggest challenge when you set out to achieve something.
When I wanted to start writing online, it was not external criticism that held me back. The greatest burden I carried was my own doubt. I thought writing a newsletter would be a waste of time and that no one would read it.
And when I finally decided to create the newsletter… the doubts came back.
When I started writing, it was not negative comments that held me back the most either. Once again, it was fear. The fear of sharing my ideas and being criticized for them. In fact, during the first year, only one friend of mine knew that I was writing.
I did not want anyone else to know.
These inner fears are often the biggest obstacles to overcome. But over time I learned something crucial: someone criticizing you does not mean they care about you. Most people criticize and move on with their lives, and you should move on with yours too.
The problem is that we all want validation.
Human beings are social by nature. To a greater or lesser extent, we all want to know that we are valued and respected by others. Sometimes, when I press the publish button, I wonder what my friends and family will think.
On the one hand, I want to offer something valuable.
On the other, I am afraid of not being approved.
In the end, I learned the lesson: whatever you do, do it because you want to add value.
Everything else is secondary.
If we are always trying to avoid criticism for what we do, we will never do anything at all.
The worst part of criticism is the echo
Criticism almost always lives more in your mind than in reality.
As Joseph Brodsky said: “Ignore those who try to make your life miserable. Above all, avoid telling stories about the unfair treatment you received. The stories of this kind that you remember and tell prolong the existence of your detractors.”
The echo is the most harmful part. The noise that settles in our minds.
In recent months, my articles have been read by thousands of people. The vast majority read them, nodded along (or not), and moved on with their lives. A small percentage decided to keep reading and subscribe to this community. An even smaller fraction wrote comments. A tiny fraction of those people sent negative comments.
And yet, those few comments hit much harder than all the rest.
This is no accident.
Hans Rosling, an expert on cognitive biases, explains it in his book Factfulness: we tend to pay exaggerated attention to the negative. Criticism hurts more than several compliments combined because we are more likely to focus on threats than on other stimuli. It is natural. It is a way of staying alert and prepared for danger.
Later I will talk about how to counteract this bias.
But first, I want to share a story that taught me a valuable lesson.
Focus on your task, not the noise
During the Olympic Games, gymnast Simone Biles competed under a level of pressure that few athletes have ever experienced. Millions of people watching, enormous expectations placed on her, and constant media pressure that seemed to demand a win every time she appeared.
And yet, her focus was elsewhere.
In an interview with TIME, Biles said that when she competes, she does not think about winning, but about her own goals: “When I compete, I never think, ‘I have to win this’; it’s more about the goals I’ve set for myself. That’s what makes me happy.”
Before stepping out to compete, she was not thinking about medals, rivals, or opinions.
Her attention was on her routine, on the movements she had trained again and again, on executing well the things that depended only on her. She knew that if she let in the noise of expectations, winning, and the press, she would lose clarity and control.
The lesson is simple: when you focus on your task, the noise loses strength.
You move in the direction of your attention.
How to respond to haters
Not all criticism deserves a response.
But when you do decide to respond, the way you do it matters more than the content.
Tim Ferriss (writer and entrepreneur) has said on multiple occasions that every time he publishes a book or launches a new project, he receives serious attacks. What he learned was not how to defend himself better. It was how not to get dragged into conflict.
Instead of reacting with attacks or justification, he thanks the person for the comment and says:
“What do you think I could improve?”
That gesture changes the whole dynamic. The “fight” turns into dialogue. On more than one occasion, that attitude has turned an aggressive critic into a loyal reader. Most people are not looking for you to prove that you are right. They just want to feel that their point of view, even if destructive, is being heard.
If you are going to respond, do not make it your goal to win the “fight.” Do it to learn. You will not always win over a reader, but you will preserve something even more important: your integrity.
Because whatever you do, someone will criticize you anyway.
So you might as well keep moving forward.
Want to learn more? Here are 3 related ideas to go deeper:
✍️ Your turn: How many important decisions in your life have been shaped more by fear of criticism than by what you truly wanted to do?
💭 Quote of the day: “We are all our own worst critics because self-doubt is a natural reaction to any bold attempt to change your life for the better.” — David Goggins, Can’t Hurt Me: Master Your Mind and Defy the Odds
See you next time! 👋
If we are always trying to avoid criticism for what we do, we will never do anything at all.
Whatever you do, do it because you want to add value.
Very well said & a good piece of advice too. The whole article is worth reading.
Thank you for this, Alvaro. I especially liked the lesson for dealing with haters. So many times, I've been lured into a fight online. Turning it around with a question drawing out the person's alternative solutions either shuts the thread or brings out ideas.
Also, I want to share something my father used to say: "If you don't make mistakes, you're not doing anything."