The touching confessions of Franz Kafka's diary

Notes on giants - Number 2

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🏷️ Categories: Writing, Life lessons, Loneliness, Time

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Kafka, one of the most influential authors of the 20th century, asked for one thing before he died.

That all his writings be burned.

That he went down in history is because Max Brod, his friend and publisher, betrayed his last wish and took it upon himself to publish Kafka's works. Nevertheless, it is believed that Kafka burned 90% of his work during his lifetime because of his terrible self-demand (Stach, 2021). Among the works that were saved from burning was his diary.

His diary is, perhaps, more harrowing than his novels, which is saying a lot.

Among all the artists who have kept a diary, perhaps his is the one that best reflects the struggle each artist has with his creative process. In his entries he makes confessions that most artists can identify with: the terrible self-demand, insecurities about the value of the work, the lack of inspiration, how the ups and downs of personal life affect artistic creation....

His turbulent life and hard reflections give much food for thought, perhaps too much.

Let's enter Kafka's mind.

Writing to live another day

For Kafka, writing was not a hobby; it was an act of survival.

He was a prolific writer who only found meaning in his life through writing. He devoted most of his free time to writing and stayed in front of the paper until the wee hours of the morning. It was a way to evade reality.

“It has become very necessary to keep a diary again. The uncertainty about my thoughts, my wife Felice, the ruin at the office, the physical impossibility of writing and the inner need to do so.”

The writing of her diary was the only refuge in which to be safe from her suffocating life. Outside of writing, she had a difficult relationship with her father because of his authoritarian attitude, lost her three sisters in Nazi concentration camps and had several love affairs, but never married. To make matters worse, his health was always fragile and unfortunately he died of tuberculosis when he was only 40 years old (Brod, 1960).

Living another day was an act of courage and his diary supported him in the worst of times.

“I will never leave the journal again. I must cling to it here, this is the only place I can be.”

“One advantage of writing a diary is that one realizes with reassuring clarity the changes one is constantly undergoing. [...] In the diary is the proof that in situations that today would seem unbearable, one lived, looked around and noted observations.”

Reading these lines by Kafka shook me up inside. I have also left on paper moments that seemed unbearable, such as the death of my dog Yaky, faithful companion who was with me since my childhood and watched me grow up.

Writing is an act of healing.

A terrible self-demand

Throughout his diary, he mentions this torment more than a few times.

For most of his life, he worked for an insurance company, a job that absorbed him physically and mentally, draining all his energies and time. He never had the time he would have liked to have to write, yet when he did have time, he would sometimes procrastinate and end the day with bitter regret.

“Today I did not respect my new schedule of being at my desk from 8 to 11 p.m., which for now I even consider this not such a disaster, although I only hurriedly wrote these few lines to go to bed.”

“This month, which by the absence of the boss could have been used exceptionally well, I have wasted and slept without excuse... Even this afternoon I lay in bed for three hours with reverie.”

He was terribly self-critical.

“Tomorrow, today, I will begin an extensive work which, without forcing myself, will be formed according to my possibilities. I will not abandon it as long as I can stand it. I'd rather be without sleep than go on living this way.”

“How much time the publication of the little book takes from me, and how much damaging and ridiculous pride it gives me to read old things with the intention of publishing them.”

“How can I apologize for not having written anything yet today?”

Kafka lived between the desire to create something great and the fear of not living up to it, this caused him an anxiety that he expressed with heartbreaking sincerity in his diary.

I think I'm not the only person who identifies with those words....

The harshest criticisms you will ever hear will often be uttered by your inner voice.

Fears and insecurities

Kafka always suffered from insecurities about his worth, and not only in the literary field.

Although his friends described him as a warm person, Kafka was ashamed of himself and, deep down, believed that others despised him. Paradoxically, many believed that he had a good sense of humor and was even attractive (Janouch, 1971).

His fears filtered into his artistic creation. He deeply admired Goethe, feeling that if it were not for the influence he had on him, his work would be worthless.

“So my rainy and quiet Sunday passes, I sit in my bedroom and I am at peace, but instead of deciding to write something that I could have poured my whole being into the day before yesterday, I spend a long time looking at my fingers. This week I think I have been completely influenced by Goethe, that I have really exhausted the power of this influence and that, therefore, I have become useless."

His insecurity made him feel that he would never be good enough.

Reading these words moves me…

We have a tendency to compare ourselves to those who have reached the top and we forget to compare ourselves to where we were before. We do not value our progress as much as we admire the success of others.

I think I'm not the only one who has felt what Kafka confesses so crudely...

Kafka is the greatest exponent of the artist and his creative struggle.

His turbulent life, his confessions in his diary, his fears, his terrible self-demand... it is impossible to separate the author from the work and Kafka's diaries are as moving as his own work of fiction.

The more I read Kafka, the more I identify with his struggle as an artist.

The more I read Kafka, the more grateful I am for my journey, however imperfect it may be.

Thank you for your legacy.

✍️ It's your turn: Have you suffered from insecurity and too much self-demand as an artist?

💭 Quote of the day: “Everything resists being written.” Kafka, Diaries, 1910-1923.

See you next time and read Kafka’s books! 👋

References 📚

1. Brod, M. (1960). Franz Kafka, a biography. Schocken Books.

2. Kafka, F. (2009). Diaries, 1910-1923. Schocken.

3. Janouch, G. (1971). Conversations with Kafka. New Directions Publishing.

4. Stach, R. (2021). Kafka: The Decisive Years. Princeton University Press.