Sex, Numbers, and Deer…?

Size doesn’t matter, numbers do.

🏷️ Categories: Love, Mathematics

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Hello, how’s everything going? I hope you’re doing well. The topic to be discussed today is peculiar, as it combines mathematics and romantic relationships. Yes, size may not matter, but numbers do. The question is, can we improve our romantic relationships through game theory in mathematics? Don’t you find it curious? In the end, we’ll see how we can apply this abstract concept in our relationships. The excuse of “I’m more of a humanities person” won’t cut it if your partner leaves you.

Trust is everything

Trust is the key component that serves as the glue in a relationship. It is the foundation upon which intimacy, communication, and emotional security between partners are built. However, measuring trust can seem like a subjective and complex task. This is where game theory and mathematical analysis come into play.

We can define trust as the hope or expectation that your partner will prioritize your well-being over their own. In other words, “to what extent can I count on you even if it’s inconvenient for you?” With this idea clear, let’s go hunting.

We’re going deer hunting

Imagine you and your partner are going deer hunting together in the forest. We can choose to hunt deer or rabbits, which are easier to catch. Both individuals do not know the other’s decision; it’s pure trust, as we’ve just discussed (Skyrms, 2003).

If both individuals decide to go after the deer, they receive the maximum group reward, 3 points each. However, if one person chooses to go after the deer and the other decides to go after the rabbit because it’s easier, the one going after the deer ends up empty-handed because a single person cannot take down a deer. “I shouldn’t have trusted you.”

The situation where both individuals go after the rabbit results in both having to share the 2 points, 1 for each person. “I’d rather win little than trust you because you’re going to let me down.” Imagine this when making decisions with your partner; do you see how trust is the foundation of a successful relationship?

We’re going hunting sex

Now we’re done with deer hunting; let’s see how this works in intimate relationships (Gottman & Silver, 2013). If both individuals go for the maximum reward, that is, having sex, they have an amazing time, scoring 10 points each.

If one person goes for the maximum reward and the other person isn’t in the mood that night, rejection occurs. The person who rejects receives a minimal reward (1 point) because they get the relief of not doing what they didn’t want to. The other person loses a point, feeling rejected and somewhat distant.

But let’s pay attention to a detail, the asterisk indicates that this is the maximum score the person can achieve without modifying the behavior of the other person, and this is important. How could we make the person who doesn’t want to change their mind? Mathematics.

Nash Equilibrium

Nash equilibrium, (1950), in game theory, occurs when each player seeks the maximum reward for themselves and knows the strategy of the other player. It means that each one has already made their decision and no one has reason to change.

To change their decision, we must change their behavior, and thus both of us achieve the maximum benefit, in other words, hunting the deer, you understand. As we saw, for someone to cooperate with us, we have to be trustworthy individuals, or else they will go hunting rabbits alone, which earns less but at least doesn’t depend on us.

Rewarding rejection

So far, everything seems very theoretical, but in real life, there are many more variables and it depends on many more factors such as how their day went at work, the specific time of day, how your partner initiates the approach, etc. Don’t worry about that; this is where the crucial variable comes into play: the reward for rejection (represented as “r”).

Gottman and Silver (2013) considered what would happen if instead of having values of 1 and -1 when one person rejects another, there was a variable number called “r.” The values of r calculate the probability that the person who rejects gets a reward. It would be as follows:

After a mountain of calculations, we arrive at the following:

• If r = 1.25, you have an average of 1.8 sexual encounters per week.

• If r = 1.53, you have an average of 4 sexual encounters per week.

Okay, all of this sounds great, but how can I increase my r?

Example: I want to have sex, but the other person rejects the idea. This rejection can lead to various reactions, such as sighs, complaints, or distancing, creating a sense of coldness and lost intimacy in the relationship.

In contrast, when receiving rejection, if the person reacts positively by showing interest in the other, listening, and providing affection in the form of a hug, kisses, accompanying them, or helping them with something, emotional closeness is maintained. This behavior increases the value of the relationship (r), making it more likely that the next night you’ll bag the deer.

It is crucial to seize rejection as an opportunity to strengthen trust and bond in the relationship, instead of distancing or generating discomfort. This attitude can lead to greater intimacy and mutual trust, creating a positive cycle in the relationship that feeds back into itself.

Practical Tips

1. Embrace rejections as opportunities: Instead of viewing rejection as a setback, use it as an opportunity to demonstrate affection and understanding towards your partner. This can strengthen the bond and increase the likelihood of future intimate encounters.

2. Establish daily connection rituals: Set small daily habits, such as greeting each other with a kiss, discussing how the day went, setting aside time or a day to talk about intimate topics or future couple projects. These actions foster emotional connection and communication in the relationship. You are a team.

3. Express admiration and affection frequently: Look for opportunities to express admiration and affection for your partner in everyday life. A simple “I love you,” a loving gesture, or highlighting a good action, quality, or outcome achieved by your partner can strengthen the connection. Let them know that they are doing great and you like how they accomplish their goals.

4. Schedule regular dates: Try to reserve time for regular dates together, even if it’s just once a week. This gives you the opportunity to connect alone and enjoy each other in a romantic setting.

Conclusion

Although it may seem paradoxical, applying concepts of game theory and mathematical analysis to relationships can lead to greater intimacy and sexual satisfaction. With patience, instead of just one cookie, you can have the whole jar.

📚 References

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2013). What makes love last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal. Simon and Schuster.

Nash, J. J. F. (1950). Equilibrium points in n-person games. Proceedings Of The National Academy Of Sciences Of The United States Of America, 36(1), 48–49. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.36.1.48

Skyrms, B. (2003). The Stag Hunt and the Evolution of Social Structure. https://doi.org/10.1017/cbo9781139165228